Unfortunately we've determined that your application did not meet up to our standards.
Although the sample is an improvement from what was originally given, there's still a lack of flow and coherency. By "flow" we mean that it reads like a recount of events rather than telling an actual story. There is nothing that adds to the scene or draws the reader in to engage them with the scene. For coherency, although we get the general idea of what Yuna is doing, there's very little as to why she is visiting the man. We are jumped straight into the scene with no background on why she is there. What are her motivations? What are her thoughts? What is the atmosphere? For example, why did the door beak? The writing only tells us what happens, but leaves very little to help fill in these gaps for the reader.
One final thing is that there is a lot of telling rather than showing. You tell us what is happening rather than letting the actions and scenes speak for themselves. For example, in the very beginning we are told that the house is scary, but we have no description to tell us why. What about the house seemed scary? Did it look old or abandoned? Were there no lights? Was there a cold atmosphere that would affect the nerves, a foreboding gloom that would make other people turn away? When it comes to show versus tell, the writer should not tell the emotion or atmosphere they are trying to convey. Instead, the writer should describe the scene with key details, and from there the reader will figure it out on their own.
We hope this helps you understand why we could not accept this application and that you keep these thoughts in mind in your further endeavors.
Declined
Although the sample is an improvement from what was originally given, there's still a lack of flow and coherency. By "flow" we mean that it reads like a recount of events rather than telling an actual story. There is nothing that adds to the scene or draws the reader in to engage them with the scene. For coherency, although we get the general idea of what Yuna is doing, there's very little as to why she is visiting the man. We are jumped straight into the scene with no background on why she is there. What are her motivations? What are her thoughts? What is the atmosphere? For example, why did the door beak? The writing only tells us what happens, but leaves very little to help fill in these gaps for the reader.
One final thing is that there is a lot of telling rather than showing. You tell us what is happening rather than letting the actions and scenes speak for themselves. For example, in the very beginning we are told that the house is scary, but we have no description to tell us why. What about the house seemed scary? Did it look old or abandoned? Were there no lights? Was there a cold atmosphere that would affect the nerves, a foreboding gloom that would make other people turn away? When it comes to show versus tell, the writer should not tell the emotion or atmosphere they are trying to convey. Instead, the writer should describe the scene with key details, and from there the reader will figure it out on their own.
We hope this helps you understand why we could not accept this application and that you keep these thoughts in mind in your further endeavors.