When Kash found out that Kierella had become literate, cultivating her understanding of the language through shutting herself in her father's abandoned book room, he wept. The child was not technically his, but she could be raised into the light. He had stopped her adolescent hysteria by bringing her in front of Maute, did he not? Kash brought Kierella once a week into the Cathedral, allowing her to listen to his sermons and memorize the stories from the holy books. Kierella felt piety, but for the wrong reasons: she felt forced into listening to the rules and scriptures, lest she receive Kash's wrath--or worse, the wrath of the gods. In truth, she found Maute and her demi-gods terrifying. Every time she entered the Cathedral she steeled herself for those inky blue eyes that dotted every architectural space. She even had nightmares about them sometimes.
But even if her piety was forced, as Kash knew it was, it had worked for the most part. Kierella still would not condemn her mother as wholly evil, but she loathed Cordelia's spells of drinking, gambling, and whoring. If anything, Kierella did not want to become involved with other people at all, fearing she would somehow fall into the same trap her mother had fallen into, again and again.
Then Kierella turned thirteen, and everything changed. She was offered a hand in marriage by a slightly older boy who had just finished his law apprenticeship. Kierella turned him down, afraid of this part of her adulthood given her mother’s history, wanting to stay a child for a little while longer. But the in the society of Brai, a woman must marry by a certain age, least the world condemn her as unfit and unruly. Three years later when Kierella turned 16, both of her parents, in a rare act of camaraderie, arranged a marriage for her to a local, up-and-coming Priest. This second time, Kierella turned him down: she still feared repeating her mother's mistakes, but another part of her had grown obstinate—-the part that felt trapped in a woman’s body and a woman’s role, that did not want to be held hostage by a man just yet.
Under the country’s Law of Maute, a woman who refused marriage twice could be forced into serving as an anchoress. Kierella could contest this law in front of the Fair Six, but the judges dismissed a request for trial, deeming the High Priest Kash an appropriate judge on religious-societal matters over the bastard child. And because of her stubbornness, Kierella was doomed. A small group of Priestesses came to her in the night, taking her into a secret room off the main chamber of Kash's Cathedral. She would have no objects, wealth, status, or prospects. She had only a plain grey robe, several copies of the goddess’s and demi-gods’ teachings, and herself. Once they brought her inside the room, apprentices from the local contractor's guild sealed it up behind her, brick by brick, leaving no door and only a small slat for meals every day. The remainder of her life would be spent inside a single, small room with a barred window, allowing Kierella to spiritually marry herself to the demi-gods.
For two entire years, Kierella spent every waking moment inside a room barely big enough to pace in, staring at either gray stone walls, the covers and words of various religious books, or outside the one-foot by one-foot square of her window. She resisted the call, at first. For days she stood by the window for hours at a time, attempting to garner support from passersby. She promised everything: her name, her hand in marriage, her body for sex, her beautiful black hair for wigs. None of her promises worked, however: even if she could hook someone into breaking the law for her, which happened only 1 time in 100, they could not find a way to sneak her out. The walls were sealed shut. There was no door, and the window was too small to fit her through.
After months of promising strangers, Kierella's resolve wore away. Her tactics had failed. She scoured her cell for structural weaknesses, attempted to send messages to the outside, and even pleaded through the small slat in her cell to whatever Priestesses might be listening. Nothing worked. Her childlike manner, once so laced through with fits of lonesomeness and hysteria, hardened. She did not gain patience; she merely gave up on desire. To keep her sanity, she imagined herself as a creature trapped inside a cocoon. In time, she’d grow, and the cocoon would break, and she would escape to freedom, but it was not a transformation she could control.
part 5
But even if her piety was forced, as Kash knew it was, it had worked for the most part. Kierella still would not condemn her mother as wholly evil, but she loathed Cordelia's spells of drinking, gambling, and whoring. If anything, Kierella did not want to become involved with other people at all, fearing she would somehow fall into the same trap her mother had fallen into, again and again.
Then Kierella turned thirteen, and everything changed. She was offered a hand in marriage by a slightly older boy who had just finished his law apprenticeship. Kierella turned him down, afraid of this part of her adulthood given her mother’s history, wanting to stay a child for a little while longer. But the in the society of Brai, a woman must marry by a certain age, least the world condemn her as unfit and unruly. Three years later when Kierella turned 16, both of her parents, in a rare act of camaraderie, arranged a marriage for her to a local, up-and-coming Priest. This second time, Kierella turned him down: she still feared repeating her mother's mistakes, but another part of her had grown obstinate—-the part that felt trapped in a woman’s body and a woman’s role, that did not want to be held hostage by a man just yet.
Under the country’s Law of Maute, a woman who refused marriage twice could be forced into serving as an anchoress. Kierella could contest this law in front of the Fair Six, but the judges dismissed a request for trial, deeming the High Priest Kash an appropriate judge on religious-societal matters over the bastard child. And because of her stubbornness, Kierella was doomed. A small group of Priestesses came to her in the night, taking her into a secret room off the main chamber of Kash's Cathedral. She would have no objects, wealth, status, or prospects. She had only a plain grey robe, several copies of the goddess’s and demi-gods’ teachings, and herself. Once they brought her inside the room, apprentices from the local contractor's guild sealed it up behind her, brick by brick, leaving no door and only a small slat for meals every day. The remainder of her life would be spent inside a single, small room with a barred window, allowing Kierella to spiritually marry herself to the demi-gods.
For two entire years, Kierella spent every waking moment inside a room barely big enough to pace in, staring at either gray stone walls, the covers and words of various religious books, or outside the one-foot by one-foot square of her window. She resisted the call, at first. For days she stood by the window for hours at a time, attempting to garner support from passersby. She promised everything: her name, her hand in marriage, her body for sex, her beautiful black hair for wigs. None of her promises worked, however: even if she could hook someone into breaking the law for her, which happened only 1 time in 100, they could not find a way to sneak her out. The walls were sealed shut. There was no door, and the window was too small to fit her through.
After months of promising strangers, Kierella's resolve wore away. Her tactics had failed. She scoured her cell for structural weaknesses, attempted to send messages to the outside, and even pleaded through the small slat in her cell to whatever Priestesses might be listening. Nothing worked. Her childlike manner, once so laced through with fits of lonesomeness and hysteria, hardened. She did not gain patience; she merely gave up on desire. To keep her sanity, she imagined herself as a creature trapped inside a cocoon. In time, she’d grow, and the cocoon would break, and she would escape to freedom, but it was not a transformation she could control.